Easter Day 2010

I just watched "What's Love Got to Do With It?" on BET. I absolutely LOVE Tina Turner! She has been one of my heroines since I was about 10 years old and snuck into one of her concerts. I've lived her life through the tabloids and music magazines. She was in concert just last week, and I shuttered at how old she is starting to look. But then, she is up there dancing on the stage. I just wish I could meet her before she is no longer with us, or before I'm no longer here, and tell her how amazing a person she is.

So, it's Easter Sunday and since I'm so far away from anyone who would even care to spend any time with me, I spent my Sunday piddling around the house. Little of this, little of that. Yesterday I treated myself to a manicure and pedicure. Nice treat. The men down at the shop I go to are all so cute, and I just happen to NOT shave my legs before going, so I was embarrassed even though they really didn't care. After all, they wear gloves and they need the money.

Oh, I did buy a bag of "Robin's Eggs" (malted milk balls) and I picked up the DVD of "Sherlock Holmes" that Guy Richie produced, but I didn't care for the performance of Robert Downey Jr, I felt like he was trying to be Johnny Depp, but I do think he is oh so sexy, and was pissed that they totally tricked me with the trailer by just showing that one scene where he's handcuffed to the bed. It lasted all of two seconds. Jude Law was a GREAT side kick. Handsome too. So then I wrote two letters to my Dad, made 4 calls to my Mom, 2 calls to my sister-in-law (it's her birthday) and put in a call to my BFF, but she wasn't' around, sent a couple of texts each day to my son and his girlfriend and talked to my buds on Facebook.

Tomorrow I'm back to work on a project scoring papers of high school kids. It's not too heady a project, but lots of sitting down, which I really hate. After two weeks of pouring over paper after paper of kids who can not clearly explain the difference between a Dictatorship and a Democracy, I began to wonder if we should go on a campaign to teach the teachers how to teach this subject. Jeff Foxworthy came to mind as I thought,

"You might be a Dictator if......" not to undermine his redneck bit, but it would be a good one for describing Dictatorship to kids.

At least there are people who realize George Bush was NOT a Dictator. Sad that so many young people are entering the real world with either no knowledge or limited knowledge of the truths of life.

My eyes end up burning as they lose focus at the end of the day, and by the end of the week I'm cranky that I have to adhere to a daily schedule, rising in the early hours of the morning and ruining my natural body desires. If I could break something I would, and on Friday I almost shanked a ditsy blond in the break room. The really bad deal is that most of these people are so very desperate for socialization they overdue it, and I don't do well with people hanging on to me, licking my feet or trying to brown nose. And that fake positiveness that they try to project just sends my skin crawling! On the good side though, it does make me much happier to be working and working with really intelligent people!

I'm in the mood to go shopping. I've decided I want to buy some new clothes, some sexy clothes and start hitting the clubs to see if I can find some young hunk eager for a woman's attention. Ha....like you can't find a man who isn't horny and ready. Ok, so I'm the one who needs to be ready. I tried to break off the conversation with the blondy while I'm sitting at the table with a massive headache and thinking about horny young men, she, however, wouldn't shut up. I can still see her bug eyes as I got up and announced, "I am not going to do this with you right now" while giving her the look of death, you know, the one that makes people know you are ready to do them bodily harm? and then walked out the door. But, by early afternoon, she, with her postive outlook, brushed by with a "you have a happy holiday and I'll see you Monday"

Nobody seems surprised that I'm always in the middle of my own dramas. But, they don't know how much energy it takes for me to maintain any kind of relationship. Friendship or otherwise. It goes back to my abandonment issues. Cash for sex would be so much easier.

Somewhere during this weekend I did see a blurb from some evangelist talking about leaving your bitterness behind. I think about that and decide that it's much easier to come from a place of happiness when one has finally achieved a certain level of fame, or fortune, or just has gotten too old. Or, maybe just feel loved. I'm still ticked off that I'm not working on a stage production or dancing or singing for a show, instead I'm doing regular work.........I'm thinking it's the old that will make me finally slow down. (Being loved would be the ultimate). Then maybe I can once again just be. Everyday. Just get up, feel the warmth of the sun, walk along a beach and smell the salt air, write my memoirs and become finally and completely the honest me. And maybe, just maybe, someone, somewhere will give a damn..

Peace.

The Negative Politics

Sitting in the early morning darkness, listening to the spring rain. I was curled up in my bed covers meditating, just last week I started a work project for the Department of Education. Not a huge project, not particularly great pay, but good pay, good people and I'm using my brain a little more. The events of the past few weeks with the Healthcare Reform had me so angry at those who choose not to LOOK at what's going on, and took me back to the 60's when I was growing up and going to meetings with my Dad regarding de-segregation in Florida and watching the riots occurring in the north on television. I can remember my Dad being an old softie for the poor and disadvantaged and he believed so strongly in de-segregation and equality that he put his job on the line. The people I'm working with right now are the same way, God love 'em, but they also turn a blind eye to the fiscal nature of the changes that are happening, and these papers we are reading from the students are horrific. At least 2/3 rds of these kids do not know anything about the subject matter, nor can they communicate in writing. That scares me.

I've sat on that philosophical fence since I was child. My family was supposedly Democrat, but much has changed in those years, as has the party. I guess if I had never been thrown in the position of having to make my own money and raising a child as a single parent, going through periods of extreme poverty and not taking Welfare, I wouldn't take offense at what is going on, and I might still be a staunch liberal. As it is, I'm just lost, and mad, and I love the fact that someone, somewhere will use my anger to say I'm overreacting and should just "have faith." Right. I think there are people who could easily turn this into a civil war.

Last year we celebrated both the 40th anniversary of Motown and Woodstock. I found that fascinating. I played Motown tunes constantly on my phonograph and danced around my room singing along. Woodstock presented a different picture to me. I know a lot of people are still celebrating those days and saying they were proud to be a "hippie" but I was never a "hippie", nor did I smoke MJ. Tried it once, hated it. End of story. As far as "free love" and nakedness in public, I've never cared to participate. I don't hold it against people who want to, but I say take it behind closed doors! As far as "free love", well, that thought has been a hindrance to many relationships since. Even though the music of the participants of the Woodstock concert were amazing artists, I always held a certain "uneasiness" with their lyrics. I sensed a haughty, arrogant, "I'm better than you" attitude, and because of that,"I am entitled to do or say anything to you that I want to. " There was of course another side to Woodstock, that of peace, love and stop the war. I supported that. Vietnam was a disaster and we lost many good boys. I cried when I saw the war footage. I cried when I thought of the senseless deaths. But those memories are like bad relationships or better yet, the events of "911". One really only needs to revisit them occasionally to continue to feel the great impact.

Jimi Hendrix I loved, I thought he was real, but alas, he was a junkie. Actually, following Woodstock on the news is what has kept me from being a junkie. Even though the music was amazing during that time period, all these little quirks are what has made me hesitate to ever "celebrate" Woodstock. It's very similar to following Weber's operas. I love them, but something about them gives me a very uneasy feeling. I think it's because I concluded at a very young age that even though none of the story was possible, it was alluring to an addictive level. Possible addiction makes me run the other way.

In my house, we watched the evening news as a family, most of the time with Walter Cronkite. I watched the riots and the hippie fests with knots in my stomach and feelings of nausea. What is going on RIGHT NOW in this country? People are divided. If I had not been raised with some sort of discipline and moderation, I would feel invincible and entitled. (Not that I haven't acted that way at certain times in my life), but, as it is, from an early age I have been hyper aware. A thinker, making choices on my own, while guided by the values I was taught. I've always been independent and strong willed. If you know me, you know me. But, I was never a "Jesus Freak" either.

I have NEVER supported violence as a way to make change. However, I would join in to defend our borders. I know certain levels of violence can't be helped. People are passionate and terrified. I'm not fond of anyone NOT following the process. Rules are made for a reason. I do think that immigration leniency has caused HUGE problems. We don't have a consistent set of beliefs for the common good. But of course the argument of the new generation and their supporters is that the process doesn't work. I don't actually think any of them have been alive long enough to make that opinion. But, in their defense, it HASN'T WORKED in the last 20 years. People can accuse the "Republicans" and the "Tea Party" all they want, but I know, it's the wave of GREEDY, POWER HUNGRY LIARS. I honesty don't believe the administration cares about us, we aren't allowed to take care of our own, now the President wants us to bring more people to the table. I see the young and innocent caving. He is, after all, extremely charismatic.

I'm going to be forced to love them or leave them and I can't seem to accept either. Some of it is just being a mother. I wanted a good life for my offspring and their offspring, not constant angst and struggle. I wanted to be able to enjoy the fruits of my labor and the promises implied to me for living in the United States. I have learned that liberals don't tend to look at "non-disclosure" as a "lie" and so I have to sometimes rethink my stance. Yet, I feel like it's Great Britain in India all over again! The wealthy are trying to enslave all the classes, and the people are letting them because it's still a better life than not. Oh, I know it's not all of the wealthy, just the power mongers. These are the days I want to pray, but have no faith. Maybe that's why I'm scared.

When I read these stories put into their own words, I see where our children are being terribly ignored in real education. I see where "no child left behind" doesn't work, except to further promote the dependency of the ignorant on the government. The numbers are high my friends, and we really should be concerned. Perhaps, in time, we can address the true problems and make real change since this first step in legislation has been made. All I can say is that the Jim Crow Laws were on the books for a very very long time. I'm hoping with all my heart that legal oppression hasn't returned.

In the meantime, my liberal friends and my "Christian" friends AND my Republican friends will help keep me sane. They will patiently explain and I will work to stay silent and contemplative. I will always love their role in my life. ALWAYS. I am grateful that they tolerate me. I worry about their materials needs and they put cold cloths on my fevered head. I can find continued peace in quiet moments and good books, while finding happiness in being ALIVE and well. "The glass 1/2 Full..." principle.

Love to all.

First Day of Spring 2010

So today I get up early and head down to one of my favorite Metro Parks to do some very aerobic hiking. It's the first official day of Spring for this year and the weather is quite comfortable. My park has really steep climbs and weaving trails up and down the hills. I was welcomed by a triple set of deer up near the park's entrance and except for a young woman with her two children, the only other beings I encountered were various species of ducks and woodpeckers.

About a month ago I noticed the Cardinals and the Robins coming out to look around. The sightings were followed by an ever increasing crescendo of bird calls as the early morning light came up over the horizon. After that, I just had to start getting use to hearing birds again all day. Woodpeckers are a nice addition I think.

The unique quirk about this particular park is the existence of a "Buzzard's Peak". On one side of the park, in the trees, you can get a glimpse of the nests and circling parents. They, of course, fly around the park, but they are most concentrated around the nests. I have another area I go to that is an Egret's nesting ground. It's just down the road from where I live. I noticed the Egrets were beginning to gather at the pond and sit in the nests. So cool!

On my way home I stopped into this Antique Shop a friend had told me about. It's in an old shoe making factory that is four floors. As I meandered around the aisles, I saw several items I will commit to memory so I can return with money and a truck! I decided to check out the "Specialty Shop" which was located in the basement area, and as I went down the stairs and turned the corner, I was instantly sent back in time to my Grandmother's attic. It was a floor of VERY antique items. I felt like I was five years old again holding Grandpa's hand and looking around for an item he and Grandma needed to find and pull out to use !

In another area of the store, I discovered a section of hand puppets and could have easily dropped the money to buy all 15 of the ones on display! Yes, I had to make myself leave but made a mental note to return. So I headed home.

Last fall I decided I was tired of not having enough flowers showing up in the Spring, so I planted some 300 bulbs, splitting them up to fit in the four flower beds I have. This week they have started to rise above the ground, and my Crocus are blooming. I'm SO HAPPY!!!! CAN'T WAIT TO SEE ALL THE BLOOMS!

I noticed two more elements of Spring I tend to forget, until the weather is warm enough, and those are:

1. A MILLION MOTORCYCLES, (Mostly Harleys), RUMBLING, and TEARING UP THE HIGHWAYS

2. The HUNDREDS of LITTLE DOGS being brought out into the yards, many of which, can't stop yapping, EVER! (until they go back inside and you get a reprieve) *phew*

Welcome to Spring in the neighborhood !

My Wolf Gets Me

Okay, so I was correct in my feeling that I could not impress the Marketing girl at that prestigious school. It was a long shot. I will have to admit I am not in the mood to try and please some arrogant Board of Directors at a rich kid school. I'm in the mood to go away and start all over. I need to be alone and just live and create. I am still considering my options though, because I can't decide whether to move away completely, or sneak somewhere out in the woods and just be a hermit for a year or two.

It would all be so much easier if I had made better choices. Now, I just wish I could go back to when he showed up outside my door in his little Porshe in the middle of the night, saying he was here to stay, and tell him he was crazy as hell ! I still wrestle with the back and forth guilt. I never should have, but I did! *sigh* I honestly don't know if he ever loved me anyway.
Time to look for a partner.

This is the weekend that the Health Care Bill is going to finally be voted on, and I'm terrified that I will have to learn how to function all over again, since Progressives will rule if it gets passed. Life is so annoying in how it flips us around from doctrine to doctrine, wildly adjusting to a new philosophy. I hate it. What makes the time I live in so special that I have to endure these upheavals? Take me back Calgon! (Of which I bought two boxes on special the other day and have been taking long hot baths hoping that I can relax and get some real sleep. So far, not a chance).

I've heard that people making $100,000 or more aren't even feeling the effects of this horrible economy. Don't I know that. Try to have a real conversation with someone like that. What Health Care Bill? He wants to do what? Naw, I think you're misinterpreting everything. How nice it would have been to be born with a silver spoon. Or, how nice it would be to have rich parents who are there when you really need them. Better yet,

how nice it would be if we had a world of basic equality, love and respect for one another and no one homeless or hungry. Instead of the pack of wolves that circle the camp every day.

Peace.

Auto Mechanics 101 NOT

I should have taken auto mechanics somewhere along the way, I know that now. It's not funny to talk about considering the in an out love affairs I've had with certain cars through the years, and that I raced them for a time. It's just that I've always had SOME man in my life that knew how to take care of them, and at least do some of the mechanics, saving me great amounts of money and allowing me to be lazy with the learning.

I was raised in the South, and every guy I knew could work on cars. Loved cars. It was in fact a clever way to keep them focused and out of trouble. Just let them work on the car! They loved to drive too, so you never had to worry about getting somewhere.

Then I moved North. I'm not saying the men here don't work on cars, but, NOT in the social circles I came to live in.

1. In the business world of big bucks buddies, they just pay someone to fix cars

2. If it's a hobby then he doesn't really want to deal with the everyday car OR,

3. he's a musician or artist who either

a) has no idea how to work on a car, or

b) he's broke, or,

c) he WON'T spend his money on a car but he will buy that new piece of equipment for the
sake of his "art."

(I've had two major boyfriends since my divorce and both were really good with cars, and sex. I got spoiled, really spoiled. A healthy running car is as important as great sex)!

I have made myself learn from manuals how to do some of the small stuff on the cars I've owned. Many times it was because I was desperate, and it was the only way that car was going to get back on the road. I laugh when I think of all the rubber band repairs I've had to do. Pieces and parts. Just barely holding the vehicle together. If I had been stopped for an inspection, I would never had passed. Never. Have you ever been stuck out in the middle of nowhere, between cities, at a scary rest stop in the middle of the night, without a cell phone? I have, and I think I have a few gray hairs from those experiences.

These days I am in between being able to afford a repair job, and having to do a rubber band job for the short term. Being in between boyfriends doesn't help either. I know I'm not alone in this club, but, it doesn't make it any better. I still get this nauseating feeling deep in the pit of my stomach when I'm waiting for the mechanic to give me the low down on the problem. Let's face it, it's expensive to maintain cars. Parts are expensive, labor is expensive, your time is taken from you, EXPENSIVE. This is the point in which I get really pissed off at my ex-husband. Although, he couldn't work on cars either! This would be really comical if I weren't crying so hard from feeling sorry for myself.

In the meantime, I get dressed, throw my chin up and go on in a world that's COMPLETELY OBLIVIOUS to my reality. Many of my experiences are a long way from the safe and blissful lifestyle I once enjoyed. A lifestyle that most of the people I know still enjoy. What ever would they think of me if they knew?

Just give me Harry Potter's wand and I'll be fine.

A Fragile Male Ego

I had this interview with a prestigious private K-12 school this week for a Marketing and Public Relations position. Basically the job is to make videos of the students, during a project, on a project or participating in a school function and post them on the school's website, then write the gratuitous newsletter. Not real hard. She wanted ideas. So I was elaborating on the different ways it could be approached, yet trying to keep my language as simplistic as possible. I am discovering more and more the evidence of America's school systems being compromised and how the "no child left behind" program has produced fairly inarticulate mind wanderers. She was a beautiful girl, but could not state her needs clearly. She seemed more interested in my ex-husband's work or what one of my photographer friends was doing than me. Maybe that was her way of making small talk and I'm being much too harsh. I do think it would be a lot of fun to work with a younger person at a K-12 private school. I left feeling very confident of how I presented myself and knowing that I could easily do the job. But, not so confident that I made a presentation of enough bells and whistles that would reel the girl in to hire me.

I need to move to another city, but I can't do that without more money. I need to ditch my current roommate and opt for a place of my own, free of interruptions and annoyances. But, I can't do that without more money, and so the circle continues until I can actually land some more work and take that one life changing step.

In the meantime, last week was made flaky by the very presence of my roommate's friend from Portland, Oregon. My last interaction with this woman was some three or four years ago and it wasn't good. So by the time Friday rolled around I had complete knots in my stomach, and on Saturday, the first full day she was here, I was deathly ill. It felt like a stomach flu or maybe that I had one too many bowls of my favorite mini shredded wheat,
and then it progressed to a massive headache with no ability to hold anything down. Not fun. For a full 48 hours there was no relief from the spinning and nausea. Finally, late Sunday I was able to drink some sprite and eat some saltines and then started to feel better. I was terrified I wouldn't make that interview.

The week didn't actually go too bad as the two of them headed out each morning and usually didn't return until late in the evening. They did come home in the middle of the day a few times in which they caught me simultaneously typing on the laptop, watching a favorite movie and working on proposals. They didn't care, but that is just the sort of interruption I'm saying I don't need.

She brought a small dog that fits into a purse. I had never met the dog, but I had heard that it was a freak of nature, a Japanese chin that ended up way too small (the runt) and fragile (it goes to the vet on a quarterly basis and more) and I was told it would die if it was separated from the owner for too long. So of course, the dog came too. It turns out, the dog has a really great personality! I fell in love with it. My roommate warps EVERYTHING, and I mean absolutely EVERYTHING. I think it might be some kind of highly active insecurity.

By the end of the week, she and I were laughing and generally having some great conversations, and I got invited out to visit Portland, but it put me on the bad side of my roommate. The story of my life. Pissing off really insecure people. She left three days early because she said he was a "negative Nelly" and there wasn't enough fun things to do here in the landlocked Midwest. Here Here! Isn't that what I've been saying? Unfortunately, she left him brooding with a crushed ego boiling underneath the surface, and the next day he exploded in a childish temper tantrum. Point in case, I need to move.

Thinking that I was going to have a great day out, I excitedly posted my intent to attend the current meeting of one of the scriptwriting groups I've been participating in. Our last meeting was really fun. There were some radio scripts submitted and some new works submitted that in reading and evaluating brought much laughter, so I naturally thought that since that ended so well, maybe I'd found a group I could get some satisfaction associating with. Hell No! Within ten minutes of posting, I receive an email for the group moderator. While he was glad I was excited about attending I did know that I was not reading any of the parts today, right? That maybe he had not made himself clear before, but since I had no script submitted and wasn't reading, my attendance would be, well, acceptable.

I was invited to this group. I actually didn't know it existed until I was invited. During my short term in the group, I've offered marketing assistance to the scripts that were completed and needed producing. I've even gone so far as to introduce this moderator to someone for the possibility of staging his work. Apparently something has happened, because I could feel this guy's intense anger through the words of his email. What I was getting was he wanted control, and for some reason, me just making a post regarding the group pissed him off. Maybe the Producer I sent him to told him the script had to be shorten, or something.

OMG! Another pissy, insecure man! Needless to say, it ruined my day. I did make an appearance at the meeting, but he was acting all weird, so I helped my girlfriend videotape the reading of her script, then I left at the first break. I'm done, unless my friends need someone to read a character. There's no way on earth I would ever let this guy critique my writing. He did take the time to announce that he had acquired funding and a space to stage one of his scripts and that he would need people to read. Haha.....STROKE STROKE....

So I went to the video store and rented the movie "2012" and spent almost three hours getting a headache from the incredible special effects and crying my eyes out because of the emotions created around and from John Cusack's character. Why does he keep doing that?

*sigh*

Spring is Near

Amazingly my mood has gotten much better over this last week, mainly due to a lucky turn of events, but also because we have finally been able to see the sun and have a little warmth. I looked at the flower bed yesterday and knew that soon I will be cleaning out those dead leaves and laying some fresh mulch. I've already bought some new seed to put out in the side flower bed.

Spring cleaning has come early this year because my roommate has a houseguest in from Portland, Oregan and we have spent days cleaning the entire house and buying new items to decorate with. I'm ususally stuck with that chore every year because I'm the one home most of the time.

My up and down schedule of life continues, but thankfully has been interrupted by some pretty exciting project possibilties. I'm so behind on my video creation, but have achieved a lot toward my total multimedia profile. "I am the river and the bridge..."

Now that the weather is starting to smile again, I've begun formulating the ENORMOUS list in my head of all the people I have not seen or talked to in months and I'm wondering if I can put together some kind of huge dinner party or something.

I'm totally in love with the new series "Caprica" and I need to go out and see "Alice in Wonderland" now that it's opened. I really have the itch to go shopping, but will have to restrain myself. Well....I might buy "something"

Out in Cali, my son and his girl have found a new apartment that will allow them to upgrade to twice the space for the same money and so they will be pretty busy over the next two weeks. I have warned them I will be out again soon!

PEACE.

A Quote for all Travelers to Destiny

" A soul must never be pushed or driven, but allowed to unfold naturally, like a flower blossoming bit by bit in the sunshine"